Forgive and Forget…Not!

By Andy Varte

We’ve all heard it a million times. The old adage goes – ‘Forgive and forget’. Especially when it comes to relationships everyone keeps telling themselves and each other that same line, ‘forgive and forget’. Well, I don’t buy it!

My question is as such – ‘How can you truly forgive if you try to forget as well?’ It just isn’t possible. Why? It’s pretty simple when you actually think about it... a lot (like I usually do!). You have to go and ask yourself, what do we really mean when we say ‘forgive’? I believe the common understanding of forgiveness is to acknowledge that what happened was an accident, or that such things that happened in the past were done in a moment of weakness, or even if they were done deliberately, to harbour no ill will towards the other person. So, if that is the case, then how can you truly partake in the act of ‘acknowledging’ something if you also try to ‘forget’? Doesn’t trying to ‘acknowledge’ something imply the exact opposite of ‘forgetting’?

As such, I believe in something else – ‘Forgive and remember’, or rather ‘remember and forgive’. On the matter of relationships especially, I feel it is even more obvious. How can we truly forgive someone? I believe that we should try and ‘remember’ how we first met him/her, ‘remember’ what we had liked about each other, ‘remember’ this night or that night etc... you get the point! When we do that, it becomes much easier to forgive that person. What’s better yet, you can live with it! If we try to forgive and forget, what happens is that since it’s not really possible, somewhere down the line something or the other happens that reminds us of the past, and all the hurt and anger we felt tends to come back – all of it, just like that. However, when we learn to live with it by remembering the good times, we are able to handle situations as such much better, if not all together avoid them. That is when I believe we are truly capable of ‘moving on’... sure it gets sad every now and then... but it’s no longer an ‘angry/hate’ sadness, rather a melancholy sadness that helps you keep things in perspective and helps you appreciate what you have now... which leads to my next point:

A very wise man once said, ‘Illusionary joy is often more desirable than genuine sorrow’ or in simple terms, it’s better to try and find a way to smile through hard times than to break down in tears. I don’t buy that either!

In this regard I don’t think it’s impossible – many people do find ways to smile through the hardest of times; I just don’t think it’s the better way at going about hardships. I believe that in genuine sorrow lies genuine happiness. A teacher in my high school, a very wise man, once said that it was better to console someone who is crying by telling that person to keep crying for as long as he or she may want, rather than tell that person to stop. It’s true really, if you think about it... a lot (yes I thought about it quite a bit!). I think that it is only when we are sad, that we keep things in perspective; only when we are sad do we think clearly about everything (which is contrary to popular opinion I’m sure).

Let’s think - why do we become sad? We become sad when we ‘feel’ that something is not right and we acknowledge that emotion. When we do that, we may end up in tears, but ultimately, time teaches us the lesson, and having shed tears, we find alternatives and a new understanding of life and move on. That I believe is the key to true happiness - being able to move on from hardships. When we smile even when we know things are not right; when we make excuses in our head trying to find reasons to smile without feeling like smiling, we live a lie. We are not really ‘moving on’. Sure you’re putting up a brave face in front of others by not crying or being sad, and people might be inspired by your strong will, determination and what not... but what good is in inspiring others if you cannot inspire yourself?

When we try and deny our pain and sorrow during hardships, we are actually keeping them in a box, bit by bit just waiting for the day it all spills out at one go – most probably to scar us for the rest of our lives. It is not possible to really deny pain and sorrow. Why? Because hardships happen in our lives beyond our subjective experience – rather it is an objective phenomenon which the world and human society throws at us. It is not something we can just deny because we ‘feel’ we can – hardships will come regardless of how we feel! As such, it is often better to acknowledge the pain we feel, because then bit by bit we learn the lesson of dealing with it. And so I must say, it’s better to cry to the world and to those around you, than to cry to yourself in silence; for if no one shares your sorrow, your tears would have been in vain, and your sorrows shall forever torment you.